You Really wanna know what it feels like?

 

                 Have you watched the movie Jungle? The one in which Daniel Radcliffe tries to survive in the Amazon Jungle. That's exactly how I felt my life was  back then. Everyday felt like I was trying to survive. Everything around me seemed like a lot to take it. For a person outside it would seem like a nonsense. But it's not what we have , it’s how we process what we have. You can have everything but still feel like you have nothing at all. I see these things around you which you loved back then. But feel nothing interesting in them anymore. The colours in the walls, the flowers outside, the blue sky, they all seem dull now. Everything I see, is like a black and white film. Like a colourless world.

            I started my Mondays with the hope that Friday is only a few days away. And that's not because people usually like weekends. The week days were too much for me to take. The easiest way to get at least a little relief was, sleeping which I tend to do most of the time. Though I loved getting to sleep  I hated the fact that I have to face the life again after waking up. Sleeping  was only a temporary relief and I hated to wake up.

           I had that heavy feeling inside my self where I felt that I was carrying too much burden. For a moment  I wished I could release that heaviness. My mind was covered in like by fog. I couldn't see through anything. It was extremely hard for me to keep conversation. I felt like I was  losing my memory. My mind was  wandering everywhere. The past was haunting me. Present was killing my soul. Thinking of future was keeping me worried all the time. I felt like I was  trapped in a place where I can never  get out from. Felt like there was no escape at all. The only way to escape is ......well you know!

            The physical pain is something unbearable. When you are in the fight or flight mode all the time your body prepares you for a danger. In my case it's 24/7. heart rate was elevated all the time. My pulse was beyond the meter. Sometimes I had difficulty in breathing. I would go and lie back in the bed to calm my self. Every inch of my body muscles was aching. I had continuous burning feeling which was arising within my body. I had severe pain in the back of my head such that I felt like ripping those muscles out.

             When I told one of my friends about my situation the reply was " Why is that, we had more stress when we were doing A/L". Remember all sorts of mental and physical pains you felt all your lifetime and imaging feeling all of those at once. Yeah, that's how it feels like. So, it's a not just simple stress, it’s depression.

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